Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
