cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
