Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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