Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
