In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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