Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
