Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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