u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
