I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
