the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
