My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
