what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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