I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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