I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
