Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
