you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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