The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
