Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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