I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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