im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
