I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
