Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
