college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You dont lie about slip and slides
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
