First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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