Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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