Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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