Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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