Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
