you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
