We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
