you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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