doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
