I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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