I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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