you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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