for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
