Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
