Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
