and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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