my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
