I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
