i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
