Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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