it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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