i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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