wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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