just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
