i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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