A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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