At least make sure they are 18
Why
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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